I’ve been asked what to look for when choosing a spouse. Which relationship is likely to last longer, one with someone similar to me (same race, culture, language, education, hobbies, lifestyle) or someone different? The answer has a lot to do with Expectations and how well you handle them. The more alike you two are, the more your expectations about marriage will turn out to be valid...
Earlier this week, I read an op ed essay by Kim Brooks in the New York Times that made me ache. I could not stop thinking about it for the last 24 hours. The title claimed you’re in good company if you’re considering a Covid-19 Pandemic divorce, but that was not what the piece was about. It concludes that we’re not meant for nuclear families, and so Kim consoles herself and her...
There were crumbs on the kitchen counter today as I prepared to make my lunch. Even though we no longer live in a place where crumbs lead to insects and rodents, it irked me. Why should I have to work around your crumbs? Why should I need to clean up after you to make my lunch in peace? And that’s when I recalled how I wrecked my first marriage. And I remembered that I shouldn’t have...
If you’re one of the people who has ever asked this, I know something about you. You’re someone who routinely wipes it down after using it. The people who instead wipe the sink down before using it need the same amount of time. And they think a lot more highly of their partner, even if they’re not married to an after-wiper. They get a lot less riled up. And, of course, they...
We all bring expectations to a relationship. Some are life-preserving: “I expect to feel safe from violence and life-threatening conditions in our shared home.” Some are about boundaries we need to set to allow ourselves to be as vulnerable as real intimacy requires: “I expect to be free from any condition that turned deadly or life-threatening or intimidating in past...
