What does it mean to Assume Love? Technically, it means to suppose, think, or guess, without proof, that someone loves you. It’s not a bad guess if that someone has stood in front of your friends and family and pledged to love you as long as you both shall live. And yet most of us are given to wondering if they still love us, given what they just did or said or failed to say. When we are...
“It just struck me that hypothesizing about possible reasons for a spouse’s behavior could be seen by friends and other bystanders as making excuses for the spouse.” This is from a frequent Assume Love commenter, and I am thrilled she asked me to reply. Our purpose when we Assume Love and look again at why something upsetting happened is to get closer to the truth, not to make...
Respect is just as important as love for a healthy marriage, and maybe even more important. Contempt (the opposite of respect, reflected in eye-rolling, a wrinkled nose, or a “yeah, right”) is a clear sign your marriage is in trouble, according to John Gottman, one of the best-known relationship researchers. When Jennifer R. Frei and Philip R. Shaver at the University of California...
Having an affair is so common that the vocabulary of most languages has a name for it. Even so, it usually induces rage or despondency when the other spouse learns of it, except in those rare consensually open or polyamorous marriages. But what do you do when that rage or despondency is yours? First, acknowledge this as a severe breach of trust and of your marriage vows or at least the default...
In my last blog post, I wrote about leaning in instead of withdrawing if you want to invite that utterly non-judgemental, altruistic, fabulous feeling of love for your spouse to keep visiting you. When your husband or wife behaves in a way you don’t expect a loving person to behave, the best thing you can try is to Assume Love. Assume Love does not mean surrender. It does not mean ignore...
