Beware What You Share

If your otherwise loving marriage has been a bit disappointing lately, try this: share wishes, not complaints.

A wish is an opportunity for your spouse to earn that delicious feeling of acting lovingly, knowing it will be received well. You get no guarantee that they’ll notice the opportunity or act on it, because you might not be the only partner nursing a disappointment. But it’s still your better choice.

If you think back to the 4- to 8-year-olds you’ve known, they blurt out what most adults think. You have a complaint about me? “It wasn’t me” or “But you had it coming” are their (and our) first thoughts. For those with attachment issues (which can endure into adulthood even though they have nothing to do with the person they married), there are two other options. “You’re not the boss of me!” and “Don’t leave me!”

Whatever comes out of your wife’s or husband’s mouth next, you can be pretty sure one or more of these thoughts showed up first. And none of them make your relationship deeper, more loving, more romantic, or even more sexual. At best, you’ll get an apology and a promise to “do better” at something they thought they did just fine. At worst, a deeper rift or a fight.

Here’s an example. Complaint: “We never go out to dinner anymore.” Wish: “I don’t know what I dreamed last night, but ever since I woke up, I’ve been thinking about eating perfectly sauteed scallops like we had at Captain John’s.”

Would you prefer an argument over how recently you went out to dinner and how often is reasonable? Or would you like a shot at an invitation to dine together at Captain John’s from the person you love?

How about another example? Complaint: “Between your migraines and all the hours you’re spending on that new business of yours, you haven’t been in the mood for sex for two weeks now.” Wish: “If your head’s not hurting, I really want to make love to you tonight. What could I do today to help make it easier for you to get in the mood?”

Some complaints don’t sound like complaints except to the recipient. Complaint: “Please stop leaving dishes in the sink.” Wish, best expressed right after cleaning out the sink: “I have no idea why an empty, clean, shining sink makes me smile, but it really does.” Who doesn’t want to know how to make the central person in their life smile? And who would ever guess such an odd thing could do it?

If you have more examples of turning a complaint into a wish, please share them in the comments. You might save someone’s marriage. And that would really make me smile.