What If You Don’t Marry Your Soul Mate?

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When ecstatic people tell you they have found their soul mate, you may well wonder if you could do better than the person you fell in love with. I believe the answer is no.
The difference between a soul mate and another beloved is a feeling of great similarity and agreement, a meshing of values, interests, and approaches to life. But people are people. Interests change, values change, approaches change. Preventing change takes a lot of energy and seldom succeeds. It takes a lot of talent, understanding, and cooperation to avoid the pain of dashed expectations for couples who start out as soul mates.
So you are probably better off without that soul mate feeling at the start. Aim for it in your golden years.
Don’t marry just any jerk who will have you, but know that you can have a great marriage, even a better marriage, with someone whose interests and values differ from yours, as long as your core values match and you have at least one way to enjoy each other’s company.

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Patty Newbold

I am a widow who got it right the second time. I have been sharing here since February 14, 2006 what I learned from that experience and from positive psychology, marriage research, and my training as a marriage educator.

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  • “Don’t marry just any jerk who will have you” Ha! That line made me spit my iced tea on my belly! Good one. And great message. It took Tammy and I several years to discover many of the things we now enjoy together. As you say, we began only with core values along with the additional lust for good beer and Dave Matthews.

By Patty Newbold

Patty Newbold

I am a widow who got it right the second time. I have been sharing here since February 14, 2006 what I learned from that experience and from positive psychology, marriage research, and my training as a marriage educator.

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