I have noticed a lot of marriage advice for unhappy couples encourages them to reduce each other’s unhappiness. Personally, I never found this model very helpful. There is a time for helping reduce your spouse’s unhappiness, but it’s not while you’re seeing him or her as the cause of your own unhappiness. It’s when you’re happy. It’s when love frees up...
Do you have one of those marriages that just doesn’t feel so great? Nothing’s awful. You’re not in any danger. You don’t really want a new spouse; you just want to feel terrific about the one you married again. When this happens, before you fix the marriage, fix your life. Is there something you love to do that you no longer do? Do 5 minutes of it a day or do it for an...
I learned this from a colleague long ago. It works remarkably well with clients, friends, and spouses. Instead of arguing when you are falsely accused or when someone important to you is making a mountain out of a molehill, try saying something like this: “I really value our relationship. What could I do that would make it right again?” If you get stonewalled (“I can’t...
I love this phrase, unnecessary divorce. Not a single one of us who has ever considered divorce thought ours was unnecessary. Not unless something convinced us to take another stab at loving the person we vowed to love—and we succeeded. How in the world can we tell, in the heat of our anger and fear and frustration, whether ours would be an unnecessary divorce? I have a way you might try...
The wrong way to stay married for the kids. Sleep in separate rooms, keep separate schedules, date other people, stay angry at each other, refer to each other around the kids as “your mother” and “your father.” This is not staying married. It’s just staying. You and your kids deserve better. But divorce is not the only alternative. The right way to stay married for...
I am a widow who got it right the second time. I have been sharing here since February 14, 2006 what I learned from that experience and from positive psychology, marriage research, and my training as a marriage educator.
