Love and Fear

L

Fear drives out love. That tense knot in your chest keeps your heart from melting when it should.
Disagreements create fear, both fear of needing to give up being yourself to stay married and fear of losing the kindnesses, respect, shared moments, courage, and teamwork that marriage offers.
Third Alternatives end the disagreement, end the fear, and let love flow. One of the best ways to stay in love is to look for them for every disagreement, getting lots of practice before a big difference of opinion threatens your love.
Third Alternatives begin with, “I want you to have it.” They end with each of you at least as happy with the agreed-upon Third Alternative as with your first one.
I want to hear about your successes with finding Third Alternatives. I also want to help if you are searching for an elusive Third Alternative. I read all comments, and I love to brainstorm and to applaud success.

About the author

Patty Newbold

I am a widow who got it right the second time. I have been sharing here since February 14, 2006 what I learned from that experience and from positive psychology, marriage research, and my training as a marriage educator.

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  • Found your blog about a week ago and I have really learned a lot. I am wondering about third alternatives for future relationships because my S.O. and I broke up over two issues that I now think may have been avoided if we had found Third Alternatives. The first issue was about a few of his rude friends. My boyfriend didn’t want to give up socializing with them. I didn’t want to socialize with them and felt like he was prioritizing his friends over our relationship.
    The other issue, and the main reason I walked away from the relationship, was that my bf wanted to cohabitate before getting married or even engaged. I would have considered it if we got engaged (a ring, and set a date). There were other minor issues but these are the two that I think you may be able to help me find Third Alternatives because these issues have appeared with other relationships and even within my first marriage. I would appreciate any insight on these two matters. Thank you in advance and for this blog. L.K.

Patty Newbold

I am a widow who got it right the second time. I have been sharing here since February 14, 2006 what I learned from that experience and from positive psychology, marriage research, and my training as a marriage educator.

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