What does it mean to Assume Love? Technically, it means to suppose, think, or guess, without proof, that someone loves you.
It’s not a bad guess if that someone has stood in front of your friends and family and pledged to love you as long as you both shall live. And yet most of us are given to wondering if they still love us, given what they just did or said or failed to say.
When we are torn between two unproven assumptions like this, Assume Love is a tool to help us find the truth. First, do not act on either assumption, the one that someone who pledged to love you for life still does or the one that your knee jerk response to some words or actions disprove that assumption. Take a moment for a thought experiment. IF the first belief (I am loved) were proven beyond doubt, how might you explain the upsetting words or actions?
Your brain is designed and honed through evolution to do the opposite on its own: to seek out dangers associated with the words or actions that happened to upset you. For this reason, you may need to pretend you’re watching a movie of someone else’s relationship, a story in which it’s perfectly clear to the audience, including you, that the love is real. Now you’re a detective, examining clues to determine how in the world this loving person did or said that.
Take your time. We’re not all great detectives. But we do know a lot more about the person whose behavior looked unloving. We know their childhood traumas, their parents’ relationship issues, the dates and seasons that carry great significance for them, what else is going on in their work life, their relationships with siblings and friends, their family traditions, the rough times in their relationship with you. All the stuff a scriptwriter and director would have revealed so far to help us enjoy our detective work.
There is no guarantee that we ARE still loved. The movie might end badly. But if we start here, we just might have an Aha! moment. We might understand that the same action or words can be evidence of love or of love lost, depending on the circumstances.
And if we act first and do our thinking later, we’re quite likely to do something hurtful to someone trying to love us.
Patty, youre a detective? Im more of a clueless amateur sleuth who usually trips over my own feet! But your assume love approach is hilariously relatable. Picture me, trying to analyze my partners love language like Im watching *The Godfather* – except the plot is Why did he just leave the toilet seat up again? Your advice to act first and do our thinking later is a laughable plea for survival! Im definitely guilty of assuming love gone wrong, much like mistaking a grumpy cat for a sociopath. Keep those pearls of wisdom coming; theyre like comedic relief in the drama of relationships! ️♀️