Assume Love and Save the Day
Yesterday was one of those days for me. Nothing seemed to go right. I lost all my self-confidence. I couldn't think of anything to write about for you. And, as usually happens when I lose my self-confidence, I invented things my husband ought to do to save me from my misery. (At least now I deal with them right away before sharing them or letting them rot into resentment.)
So it was pretty neat to get not one but two emails last night from others whose bad days were turned around when they Assumed Love.
One learned about a business expense her husband had committed them to, even though money's been really tight lately. She was livid! How could he do this? Was he stupid? Careless? But she stopped herself and asked what might possibly lead this caring, wise man to not only do this but keep it from her until now. She quickly deduced not telling her meant he was embarrassed by it, so he already recognized it was foolish. No need to announce it.
The calendar trick did the rest. When did this happen and what else was happening at the same time (or at the same time in some prior, important year)? Bingo! He made the decision on the day their bank account hit bottom. And he didn't make it to spend money but to bring in money, which it had done, although not as much as he had hoped. He made an embarrassing snap decision while his wife was unavailable. And since the move wasn't in his personal best interests, it was clear to her he did it to protect his family.
Because she Assumed Love and looked for the rest of the story, she was able to come across as thankful and forgiving instead of angry. And you can guess how big a difference that makes to the quality of their otherwise pretty great marriage.
The email from the second gal really nailed the value of Assuming Love. She was at the doctor's office, horribly sick. She was so sick, in fact, that she had to grab the doctor's waiting room wastebasket and vomit in it. They had been waiting so long. Her patience was worn thin. And then, for some inexplicable reason, her husband, seated beside her, yelled at her over some little thing.
Yelling is not something he does much of, which is good, because she's had enough earlier experience with yelling escalating to abuse to have a hair-trigger reaction to it.
But once before, when he yelled at her and she Assumed Love, she connected it to a great worry on his part. So when he did it in the doctor's waiting room and she Assumed Love again, the connection between her condition and his voice was pretty darn clear. And nothing to worry about.
Maybe even comforting.
I'll bet her lizard brain (where all our hair-trigger reactions reside) is scratching its little lizard head.
Her husband has no clue just how bad his day could have gotten. And she did not lose her support through a really dreadful wait for relief.
It's still amazing to me a little technique like Assume Love can save the day (and maybe even the marriage). It's powerful. If you haven't tried it yet, your next opportunity will probably show up soon. Let me know how it works for you.