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How to Be Your Husband's First Choice

After a few years of marriage, many women start to wonder if they are still the one woman their husband wants to be with. Once the wondering begins, almost everything can look like evidence that it's no longer true.

Time spent on a hobby or online? Looks like proof. Too tired or worried for sex? Looks like proof. Fewer compliments? Looks like proof. Caught flirting with other women? Looks like proof.

And yet all of these can be ordinary harmless events. Accusing, whining, and crying then get in the way of the normal ebb and flow of closeness.

So what will increase closeness and remind a man why he chose you? Noticing his character and all of his actions that reflect the best parts of that character: integrity, perseverance on tough goals, optimism, generosity, creativity, self-regulation, leadership, good citizenship, spirituality, and more. Complaints say he lacks character. They have the opposite effect.

The truth is he has no idea how important it is to you to be his number one, his cherished one. He wants your respect. If he tries to improve your relationship, he'll likely do it by showing you respect. This may include not asking questions (i.e., not trying to figure out what's on your mind if you don't say), not hanging out while you're working in the kitchen or study (so more hobby and online time), and not initiating sex if he thinks you might not be in the mood.

Once you notice this, the solutions are easy. Find better ways to signal you're in the mood or initiate things yourself. Volunteer information. And before he leaves the room, invite him to sample what you're cooking or invite him to do something together in 20 minutes, when you're done with whatever you're doing.


I love this post. So true

Plain and simple. Go back to the term called "Mirror Effect". Treat him the way you wanted to be treated. In marriage, you have to always find ways to deepen your love life and make it exciting each day. The key is always Trust and Love each other no matter what it takes. Oh, I love my husband so much. He always finds a way to let me know how I am special. He treats me the way a woman wants to be treated. I could see the sparkles in his eyes how happy he is with me!

I like this post. However, the solution isn't always as easy as the post suggests.

Sometimes a husband distances himself as the result of hearing the word "no" over and over. When this is the case, it might take longer than expected to get him to come around.

You may have been replaced by a hobby or a sport or friends. It will take a while until he trusts you enough to let you be his number one.

Be persistent and a distant husband WILL come around. Sometimes it takes patience and work. Keep at it and do not lose heart.

Excellent points, Thomas. Thank you!

Agreed Patty and Regina. Treat your spouse the way you want to be treated and more often than not it pays off. Negativity breeds negativity so its always important to show value where value is due.

Excellent information. So true and so helpful!

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Patty Newbold is a widow who got it right the second time...

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