Ask for What You Want from Your Spouse

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If you want to enjoy your marriage more, own your own needs. Don’t dump them on your husband or wife.
Ask for what you want or need, but before you do, let go of any notion that your spouse is obliged to say yes out of fairness or marital obligation.
Why? Well, first, it is only your own story that you are somehow entitled to what you ask for that can make you angry or hurt. It is not the “no” that hurts. If you think it is, try asking your spouse to go work your job or to buy you a commuter jet. Both of you can laugh at the shocked “no” you will get.
Second, your entitlement story emerges from your overestimation of what your spouse is good at or capable of. Guess what? This is a good thing. People who think their spouse is better than or more capable than even their spouse’s friends believe have happier marriages. Keep the belief, but let go of the expectation and you will enjoy being married a lot more.
Third, humans love to help when they can feel good about doing so, rather than feeling like they are doing what they are told. You will actually get more of what you ask for without demand.
So, ask away. And Expect Love, which means let your spouse choose which requests to fill. Don’t expect any particular one, but expect you will be shown love in some ways of your choosing and some that surprise you.

About the author

Patty Newbold

I am a widow who got it right the second time. I have been sharing here since February 14, 2006 what I learned from that experience and from positive psychology, marriage research, and my training as a marriage educator.

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  • Amazing that you should write about this. I work nights and struggle keeping up with my housework. Yesterday, I texted my husband and have him a list of things I am behind on and told him if he had time, I would love the help. I also told him my to feel guilty if the didn’t have time. This morning I came home from work to most of the things on the list done!! I felt so very loved and appreciated!! And I could nap without feeling guilty!!

  • Amazing that you should write about this. I work nights and struggle keeping up with my housework. Yesterday, I texted my husband and have him a list of things I am behind on and told him if he had time, I would love the help. I also told him not to feel guilty if he didn’t have time. This morning I came home from work to most of the things on the list done!! I felt so very loved and appreciated!! And I could nap without feeling guilty!!

By Patty Newbold

Patty Newbold

I am a widow who got it right the second time. I have been sharing here since February 14, 2006 what I learned from that experience and from positive psychology, marriage research, and my training as a marriage educator.

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