Assume Love (TM): How to have a happier marriage without waiting for your spouse to change (daisy logo)

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When You Get Married

When you get married...

  • You try to be the person you think a wife or husband should be.

  • Your spouse tries to be the person he or she thinks a wife or husband should be.

  • They seldom match up with what the other expected.

  • Neither of you keeps trying quite so hard without positive feedback.

  • Each of you may resort to nagging to get what you expect or withdrawal to avoid the pain of not getting it.

A much better approach is to aim to enjoy being married to your spouse. This means you...

  • Let go of your expectations of what you will get from the marriage other than love.

  • Take care of the things you don't much like doing and hoped a spouse would do for you, so you never bury that love under resentment.

  • Pay close attention to all the love you get, and express gratitude for it or return it amplified.

  • Get to know your wife's or husband's character strengths and even create opportunities for her or him to use these strengths around you.

  • Let your spouse know how much you respect and value these strengths, especially the ones you are still mastering.

  • Remember people do not change all that quickly, so what upsets you a month or year or decade after the wedding may well be just a different way of loving you.

  • Recognize differences are normal but seldom as either-or as they look, so try for a Third Alternative that satisfies you both even more before you debate or fight about them or settle on a compromise.

A happy spouse is irresistible.


Love this! The idea that you try to be the person the other person wants, though your new creation of you never meets that criteria. So you still dont win.

We messed it all up with the whole "happily ever after" myth.

I believe we win when we make our goal to enjoy being married by actively receiving all the love we can instead of striving to get our partners to do more of what we expected.

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Patty Newbold is a widow who got it right the second time...

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