Meeting Your Own Needs

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Here’s my reply to another question posed by my friend Tammy from Creating Success Stories.
Do adults who practice assumed love live separate lives (since they are meeting all of their own needs, bar one : -}), other than in the bedroom?


That’s a great question. I encourage all husbands and wives to take responsibility for their own needs. If you want to get out more, get out more, and don’t sit there calling your spouse a couch potato. If you want a financial safety cushion, earn more and spend less, and don’t browbeat your spouse into changing jobs or asking for a raise.
But does taking responsibility for your own needs mean both of you will be meeting all of your own needs? Not likely.
When we choose someone to marry, it’s generally for the pleasure of giving love as well as receiving it. It feels great to please a spouse. It’s marvelous to feel needed and important.
What stinks is feeling incapable of providing what we know a spouse wants from us. When we can’t provide this, there’s not much joy to be found in providing other things.
When you assume love, assume a loving spouse will do everything possible to make your life better. Hence, if your spouse does not meet one of your needs, it’s very likely not possible to do so at this time. Why not? Maybe too many competing responsibilities. Maybe paralyzing fear. Maybe too many unmet personal needs. Maybe concern that what you want would ultimately harm one of you. Or maybe something as simple as not noticing what you need.
Ask for what you need or want, but don’t tell yourself or your spouse that awful lie, “If you loved me, you would do this for me.” It’s not true. What is true is that while you’re waiting for your spouse to provide the one thing you’ve decided a loving spouse must do, you’re blinding yourself to the love you’re being offered and you’re frustrating your spouse’s natural desire to please you.
Own your needs, because it frees your spouse to do so much more for you.

About the author

Patty Newbold

I am a widow who got it right the second time. I have been sharing here since February 14, 2006 what I learned from that experience and from positive psychology, marriage research, and my training as a marriage educator.

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By Patty Newbold

Patty Newbold

I am a widow who got it right the second time. I have been sharing here since February 14, 2006 what I learned from that experience and from positive psychology, marriage research, and my training as a marriage educator.

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