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Do You Want to Catch Your Husband or Wife Cheating?

There are many websites and blog posts devoted to the signs that a spouse is cheating and all the things you can do to confirm your suspicions.

Well before the showers and colognes, the unexplained late nights at work, the secret emails and spare cell phones, there are clues you may find a lot more helpful, because you can do something about them before things get worse. Recovering your marriage is a lot easier before either of you have broken your vows.

I probably don't even need to list them for you. You'll know them by your reaction, which is most often withdrawing a bit from the relationship, hoping this will pass. But you know your wife or husband is unhappy with your sex life, your lack of availability, the amount of attention or affection you offer, or your criticisms. You sense a loss of some of the respect he or she had for you. You know more is wanted from you. And you withdraw to avoid a conflict or to avoid the emptiness. You busy yourself with something else.

You are not responsible for the affair if one follows. However, your spouse is more vulnerable now, more ready with a self-satisfying justification if morals and longings come into conflict.

You have no control over whether he or she stays strong, and you both know that strength was promised to you. But it was promised to you by a human being, not a perfect being. If you come back into your marriage now, fully present, fully ready to love and to deal with the pain, you make it easier to deliver on that promise. Your strength in closing up the painful distance greatly adds to your mate's strength.

Instead of playing detective later, play detective right now. Walk into your bedroom like a detective. Is this the room of people who enjoy their sexuality together? If not, make the room over. Make it more playful or more sensuous, a place both of you would love to take each other to.

Inspect your living room. Is this the living room of people who have both individual hobbies and shared interests? Is it the sort of place a couple falling in love would love to be left alone in?

Inspect your yard if you have one. Is this a child-centered place with chores to be done or a yard that invites the grown-ups to come out and play, too?

Search for a place where conversation is natural and comfortable. Check for a place to store remembrances of happy memories together where they are easy to rediscover. Look to see if accomplishments are celebrated here. Search for clues that living their dreams matters to this couple.

Inspect where and how this couple eats. Is the refrigerator filled with meals for one or leftovers from shared meals? Is the place where they eat covered with reading materials or stuff from work?

Look around for places to find one's privacy and for enticements to come together again. And check the bookshelves for guides to creating a great marriage, so they're not alone when something's not working quite right.

If anything's missing, start adding today. Build your marriage. It's a lot more fun than rebuilding it after you prove to yourself your husband or wife was not as strong, not as able to keep a promise, as you hoped.


Patty, this is brilliant.

Thank you, Rosemary!

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Patty Newbold is a widow who got it right the second time...

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