Assume Love (TM): How to have a happier marriage without waiting for your spouse to change (daisy logo)

February 14, 2018

Can Someone Love You and Still Hit, Choke, Shove, or Threaten You?

On this 12th anniversary of the blog, I want to address something a bit more serious than Valentine's Day and whether our partners chose the right candy, flower, or bauble.

As the news is making evident daily, a lot of people, especially women, have been seriously hurt by their spouses and life partners. Can someone love you and still hit, choke, shove, or threaten you? How can you tell if they still love you? When should you accept a heartfelt apology? How can you tell if it's going to happen again, when the person you love is swearing it won't and you're avoiding telling anyone else it happened even once?

As with all the other shocking, upsetting things that happen in a marriage, there's a simple way to make sense of such an event.

Assume Love and ask yourself, "If he (or she) still loves me, how can I explain what happened?" If there's no possible explanation, you can easily figure out that this person does not love you.

But we all know of situations where abuse happened just once and led to a deeper, stronger love. So there must be an explanation. What is it?

Before I answer this, I want to imagine you are standing with someone you know from work or church or the mosque or synagogue you belong to. Or perhaps a fellow gymnastics or Little League parent. Not someone very close to you, just someone who knows you.

While you two are together, imagine someone walking up to you and doing whatever your spouse did. They are careless and knock your glasses off, leaving a scratch on your face. They push you aside to get to something behind you. They give you a poke in the shoulder while they explain something. They shove you or pinch you so hard you bruise, just to get your attention to whatever they have to say. They punch or slap you for something you've done that they did not like. They get angry and choke you but let go just before you pass out. Or they stick a gun in your face and demand you give them money or wash their clothes.

What does that person who only sort of knows you do? Is their response limited to some harsh words for the attacker and some kind words for you, as it might be for a careless outstretched arm that knocks into your glasses? If so, you are probably safe forgiving and forgetting, whether the attacker was your spouse or a total stranger.

Or does the person who sort of knows you get between you and the bully or pull you out of harm's way? Do they call for others to come help protect you? If so, what happened to you was dangerous and probably illegal. You might know more about the situation and think you are somehow to blame for it, and it's extremely likely your attacker will try to make you think you are, but it was dangerous and probably illegal, regardless of any fault you might have brought to it, too.

I wanted to clarify this before we address the explanation for what your partner did to you. Why? Because if he still loves you, he would want to do at least as much to protect you as someone who only sort of knows you. And he (or she) didn't.

They didn't take a moment to consider how much more important you are to them than the debt or dirt or dent they believe you caused. They didn't go for a walk when they felt their anger rising. They didn't turn and punch a wall when they felt their fist start to move toward someone they wanted to protect. They didn't take a cold shower when you said no to a sexual advance. They didn't stop drinking while they could still control their temper. They didn't take any action to end the addiction that puts them in such ugly moods. They didn't see a therapist or take an anger management class to deal with their growing frustrations. They didn't mention any of the growing symptoms of dementia or a brain tumor to their doctor. So, even though they wanted to protect you, they hurt you or risked hurting you just because they felt frustrated.

There are only two explanations for a loving person harming you.

The first is that it was an unintended accident, the sort that anyone else might say something about but would not feel the need to protect you from.

The second is that the person who loves you has lost control of his or her behavior. He wants to protect you but can't stop himself from choking you. She wants to protect you from harm but throws a vase at your head. Normal, healthy people want to protect you. Normal, healthy people who love you want to protect you even more. When they assault you instead, nothing you might have done to add to their anger matters. They want one thing and do another. They have lost control.

Forgiving them seems like a perfectly decent thing to do. But you must also protect yourself.

If your spouse doesn't love you and is risking your life or well-being, you must protect yourself.

If your spouse loves you and wants to protect you, but instead loses control when they get frustrated and risks a loved one's life or well-being as well as arrest (because assault, rape, imprisonment, and pointing a loaded gun at your are all serious crimes), you must protect yourself. And protecting yourself is also the only successful way you can protect your spouse.

Don't wait to find out if it will happen again. Your spouse cannot control whether it happens again or not. It has nothing to do with how much he (or she) loves you. It's almost certainly a brain issue you are not in any position to do anything about. You must protect yourself until someone qualified to help your spouse with their problem gets a chance to provide that help.

Until then, being alone with your spouse with no one else aware you're in danger or available to help on short notice is foolish. It doesn't protect you. It doesn't protect your spouse.

If you suspect alcohol or oxy or meth or coke is the cause, have somewhere to go when your spouse is using them and talk to the folks at Al Anon or a drug abuse treatment center about how to avoid facilitating an addiction. If you suspect dementia or a possible tumor is the cause, bring someone else into your home to help you when you need it. If job stress or job loss is the trigger, go stay at a friend's house for a few weeks every time it comes up. Don't be alone. Don't keep it quiet. Don't hope it will go away on its own.

Own your responsibility for any way you contribute to your spouse's frustration, but know that you are not in any way responsible for his or her crossing the line into physical abuse. Any excuses offered for them are fictitious bullpucky meant to relieve the enormous distress anyone will feel upon harming someone they love. Never take them personally. Hitting, slapping, choking, shoving, and physical threats are not uncontrollable responses to frustration for a mentally healthy person.

It's ridiculous that it took a photo of a black eye to make a woman's claims seem serious enough to pay attention to this week. Research suggests a woman's chances of being murdered by her spouse or life partner skyrocket if he chokes her or points a gun at her in an earlier incident. Outsiders can't see those, but she's ten times as likely to die as a woman who has been hit.

If you're lucky enough not to be abused, be the sort of friend who takes claims like choking and gun threats seriously, maybe even the sort who asks about them if you think something scary is going on in your friend's relationship. If she claims he loves her, know that this may be true, but if it is, the only explanation for the harm done to her is that he has lost control and she needs help to protect herself until he can take care of the problem with his brain.

May you and your Valentine have a wonderful day of celebrating your love. Thank you for twelve wonderful years. I planning to keep blogging, and I hope you'll keep reading.

February 8, 2018

A Cure for the Frustrating Marriage

I'll be doing a half-hour workshop by telephone at 12:30 Eastern time on Saturday, February 10, 2018. It's free, and I invite you to join in.

A Cure for the Frustrating Marriage

Fed up with cleaning more than your share? Wondering what's so hard about putting the seat down? Wishing just once something would happen without you doing all the planning or making all the phone calls? Dying for some support for your dreams? Or more couple time? Or respect for what you do to bring in an income? Or maybe for just one thoughtful Valentine's Day gift?

Let me show you an easy approach to removing all these disappointments from your marriage or life partnership. Relationship skills don't come naturally, because most of them are counter-intuitive.

The oldest parts of your brain want to protect you from threats. They know strong relationships with other people provide lifelong protection. They also know someone this close to you can really hurt you in the moment. Tough, confusing choices made in split seconds, before you even have time to think about them. What you do next makes the difference between a frustrating relationship and a fantastic one.

Which one would you like?

This workshop is part of Barbara Sher's WriteSpeak Showcase, and it's one of 9 free workshops on Saturday. There are also lots of prizes being given away. Call-in instructions are here:

The time is 12:30 pm Eastern, 11:30 am Central, 10:30 am Mountain, 9:30 am Pacific, 8:30 am Alaska, 7:30 am Hawaii, 5:30 pm London, 6:30 pm Central Europe.

December 16, 2017

5 Love Languages?

Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages books have helped so many couples. It's so valuable to recognize that showing your love by being helpful can fail if your mate feels especially loved when she hears praise and enthusiasm. She may even take helpfulness, in the absence of the praise and enthusiasm that signified love and safety in her early years, as criticism of her ability to take care of herself.

And it's great to know that if you're using physical touch or thoughtful gifts as a measure of how much your man loves you, mismeasuring will happen if he's desperately trying to arrange more quality time with you, because this is how he measures it.

But are there only five love languages? I'm not so sure.

What about open-mindedness? Have you never heard a woman gush about the man or woman she married and adores because her beliefs and ideas are listened to and welcomed, even when her partner initially disagrees with them?

What about teamwork? Some people get far more distressed than others when they can't even carry a large package in from the car together. Is it because cooperative, communicative teamwork feels loving and its absence might be a huge warning sign?

What about zest? Do you feel more or less loved depending on how enthusiastically your partner engages you and the things you do together?

What about modesty? Do you know anyone who feels their partner's revealing clothing or public nudity reflects a lack of caring for them?

What about creativity? If you're one of those people who doesn't do drugs or dive out of airplanes to get their hit of dopamine, do you feel more or less loved depending on how creative your spouse is with their gifts, your sex life, or the things they want to do together?

I could probably continue on through the entire list of VIA Character Strengths here. But isn't it interesting to consider how many of your top strengths, the ones you feel so great using, might be bonus love languages for your spouse, just because you share these strengths with someone whose love was vitally important during his or her earliest years?

December 13, 2017

Why Be Married? It Has Nothing to Do with the Wedding

Today, I read a sad Insider essay by Danielle Campoamor. She titled it "My partner and I have been together for 4 years -- here's why we will never get married."

I felt awful for Danielle. She'd been raised with two parents, a violently abusive father and a mother who put up with the abuse for twenty years before she divorced him. Not a great way to learn about love.

But now she's aiming to teach other Millennials about love and marriage, and she's got it all mixed up.

Her picture of marriage seems to be mostly about weddings. Weddings as white-dress, pricey events to fantasize about through ones teens and twenties. Weddings as gatherings to validate a relationship that needs no validating. Weddings as benchmarks of adulthood. Weddings as a chance for her father to expect to give her away "as if she's a piece of property." Weddings as a "signed piece of government paper."

Four years into her relationship with the father of her three-year-old child, she says, "without marriage we have the freedom to define our relationship on our own terms, free from the social expectations that have attached themselves to even the most well-intentioned nuptials."

I don't know anyone who is married who doesn't have the freedom to define their relationship on their own terms. In fact, I think most married couples spend their first year or two discovering they must define their relationship on their own terms or melt down from the heat of their differing expectations and the demands of their relationships with other family members and their closest friends and the requirements of their careers.

Even by the time I first married, fourteen years before Danielle was born, it was no longer a given that I would take my husband's family name (I didn't) or stay home to care for our children (good thing, as I was just months from getting my MIT degree). It wasn't even a given we'd have children. We were married for four years (as long as Danielle and her guy have been a couple) before we became parents.

She really got me with this one: "We don't rely on the memory of 'one perfect day' or hold a string of promises made in front of family and friends as a reason to prioritize our relationship."

I should hope not. Wedding days are not about the two of you prioritizing your relationship. You will need to keep doing this over and over. Weddings are about everyone else prioritizing it.

And somehow a lot of people seem to have lost sight of this. Here's what happens on your wedding day (unless you run off to Vegas and share it only with an Elvis impersonator and his organist):

  • Your friends and community get put on notice that your relationship is your priority. You already knew that. But they did not. It can take a very, very long time for friends, especially, to catch on. You still need them. They still need you. And while you were falling in love, you probably ignored them a lot, taking advantage of your relationship. Until they know you're back because you're now clear on your priority, who can blame them for hoping it's because they are your priority again?

  • Your family gets a new family member, someone they they should be able to count on as kin and expect them to treat them as kin. Some families do kin better than others, but this is no longer a temporary relationship subject to the whims of your heart or libido. It may end, but they'll get ample notice, because divorce takes time.

  • You become part of another family.

  • Your spouse becomes part of your family.

  • If you marry with clergy presiding, you acquire whatever benefits and obligations your religion bestows on married people, which probably include the right to have sex and create babies without their approbation.

  • You acquire whatever benefits and obligations your state and nation bestow on married people, most of these being financial and legal benefits in exchange for the decreased statistical likelihood that the two of you and your children will draw upon the public coffers or disrupt public order. These include taxing your income at a lower rate if the two of you are working together to earn it and giving you both access to each other's FICA and pension contributions.

  • Your state and nation automatically takes care of some things you might not think about in time, including the one Danielle mentions as one of the hassles of being an unmarried couple: designating someone to handle life-and-death medical decisions for you when you cannot, before it's too late for you to do this yourself. They also take care of others, like making sure your loving generosity to your partner doesn't come back to bite you in the butt if your relationship sours and protecting your private conversations with your spouse from any criminal prosecution against you. And some really unexpected ones, like how you're handled if you run into problems out of the country. At the same time, they place some corresponding obligations on you, like a definition of the minimum fair share dissolution of your financial relationship if you divorce and a joint obligation to pay some debts.

Danielle ends with this: "We choose one another, every day, all on our own." So do married couples, Danielle. And when the going gets rough (which quite often happens well past those first four years), they have a social institution to help them keep making this choice, not because it locks them into anything but because this institution influences the behavior of other people and other institutions.

There's nothing irrelevant or outdated about that.

October 29, 2017

One Simple Technique to Get More of What You Want

As a lot of you know, I've been working with Barbara Sher, author of all those great books on how to live a life you love, for a dozen years or so. She taught me the incredible power of saying "I want ____, but I don't know how to _____."

If you go silent for a bit after saying this, most people will do mental somersaults to help you find a way around your obstacle. They'll tell you how someone else got around it or refer you to their uncle who could help or suggest something they think just might work. Sometimes, they'll even offer to do it for you.

If what they suggest seems outlandish or pointless, you need to know the followup: "What I like about this idea is _______, but what do I do about ______?"

Guess what? It works with spouses, too. In fact, it's a whole lot more effective than whining or pouting or being mean to get your spouse to do whatever it is you wish was done.

You deserve an example. Back in my first marriage, when I was an ignorant amateur who thought marrying a great guy was the trick to having a happier marriage than my parents had, I wanted to learn ballroom dancing. I thought it would be fun, and it would come in handy at weddings and work events that included dances.

When I would ask my poor husband to come take those classes with me, it was apparent he thought this would be even less fun than having all his teeth pulled. Worse, it might lead to my asking him to dance with me at those weddings and work events.

Imagine if I had known to say to him, "I'd like to learn ballroom dancing, but I don't know how to find a tall dance partner for the classes."

He might have said, "Why don't you take a girlfriend and you dance the male part, since you're so tall?"

I could have replied, "What I like about that is I would feel really comfortable having a girlfriend in the same class, but what do I do about my klutziness when, say, one of my cousins asks me to dance with him at a wedding? I'd be stepping all over his feet!"

He'd have laughed. I am notoriously klutzy, especially when I need to do anything in reverse. Then he probably would have come up with, "Why don't you ask your cousin to take the lessons with you? Or that dad at preschool who's trying to get back into the dating scene. He'd probably appreciate a chance to learn with someone he's not trying to impress."

Even though I would have loved to dance with my husband, it was pretty clear he would never enjoy it or move freely across the dance floor with me in his arms. He'd much rather have stayed home and checked a mathematical proof for logical fallacies or played poker, neither of which I'd find at all fun.

So my choices were to make him feel bad -- for turning down the woman he loved or for saying yes and having to take dance classes -- or to give him a chance to help me do something I really wanted to do.

Stupidly, I chose the first. And not just once. Many times. Dumb move. Really dumb. We missed out on so much loving because I had no clue back then.

A friend of mine almost missed out on traveling to Europe just because her husband won't fly. He turned out to be an enthusiastic partner in the trip planning and in savoring our photos and souvenirs when she went with option two.

And I just wanted to share that with you, in case there's something you've been wanting.

The Author

Patty Newbold is a widow who got it right the second time...

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