TagThird Alternatives

Floods that Wipe Out Good Marriages

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Researchers call it “diffuse physiological arousal.” Therapists call it “flooding.” You start out a little bit angry or anxious. Your stress grows. When it reaches the point called “flooding,” you can no longer think clearly about anything except fight (hurting or stopping the person or thing you are upset about) or flight (getting away, even if just inside...

Best Friends, Respectfully

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Ken Solin, a 50+ guy looking for love, decided to try something new. He wrote about it in the Huffington Post last Wednesday. I think you might find what he said interesting for your own marriage. I had noticed that in great relationships the partners were also best friends. Alternatively, I had never seen a bad relationship that embraced friendship. He set out to find a female best friend. And...

Find a Third Alternative – Step Three

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If you read yesterday’s post, you know that step one in finding a Third Alternative is to jump the net and step two is to write new specs. Now we are ready for step three. Step Three: Brainstorm! Sometimes, one of you can do the brainstorming on your own. You look at your new specs and ideas start popping. Suddenly, there it is. The Third Alternative, the one you will like as much as you...

Find a Third Alternative – Step Two

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If you read yesterday’s post, you know that step one in finding a Third Alternative is to jump the net. Step Two: Write New Specs Those first two ideas, the ones you disagree about, can keep your thinking stuck. To find something else you both like as much begins with a list of specifications for making you happy. Your first two options won’t work as solutions, but they give you a...

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Find a Third Alternative – Step One

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If you read yesterday’s post, you know how to recognize a Third Alternative: it ends a disagreement with both of you happy. Even Stephen Covey, who wrote about Third Alternatives in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, lost track of this first step when he also called this Win-Win negotiating. Almost everyone since has used this same name, and the name leads sales people, business...

Patty Newbold

I am a widow who got it right the second time. I have been sharing here since February 14, 2006 what I learned from that experience and from positive psychology, marriage research, and my training as a marriage educator.

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