For some people, taking care of a chore that matters to their spouse feels loving. It makes them feel warm and tingly and like a better person. Unless the opportunity to do it of their own free will is taken from them. Then it just feels like work. For other people, a chore is always a chore. If they’re feeling loving, they want to take the afternoon to do something fun with you. Or they...
Back before my first husband died and I finally caught on to my real part in our relationship, this was an area where I made lots of mistakes. And as I moved on and got to know lots of recently divorced or separated folks my age, I discovered I was far from alone in not seeing this issue very clearly. What Happens When You Don’t Ask for What You Want? If you don’t ask for what you...
If you want to enjoy being married, it’s a good idea not to frighten your spouse. There are two big things that frighten people about relationships. Some are frightened by one or the other, some by both. And if you’re not frightened by the same one, it’s pretty easy to accidentally frighten the person at the center of your life. Takeoffs One of these two fears is you taking off...
When you’re married to someone you love — or even someone you want to love again — there is only one way to handle a disagreement over anything important. That is to find a Third Alternative, one you both like enough to happily walk away from your initial great idea that didn’t fly well with your husband or wife. The first step in finding a Third Alternative is the most...
I just had to answer a question on Quora today. Someone had been hit by a normally gentle and kind boyfriend who “just snapped.” She claimed she’d done nothing wrong, but she thought it might have happened because she was studying with a male student. And she made it clear she wanted to be told it’s not a problem if it happens just once. I could not tell her that, so I...
