Before the wedding, we say we don’t know exactly what to expect from marriage. We lie. It’s not even a year before most utter the words, “If you loved me…” or “If he loved me…” or “Why can’t she…” We know what we expect, and it is a disappointment when it’s not what we get. Picture yourself planning a garden tour. You...
On Saturday evening, I watched the CBS made-for-TV movie, Vinegar Hill. I found myself yelling “Assume Love” at the screen many times. The movie’s based on an Oprah Book Club selection by A. Manette Ansay. It opens with a close-knit and cheery family of four packing up in Chicago to move in with his parents on their farm. Ellen and Jake have lost their jobs, and she’ll be...
Today is the 35th anniversary of the day I got married. It was a gorgeous Spring day, and we married, surrounded by lilacs in bloom and our closest friends and relatives, in the garden behind Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s Cambridge home. Would we still be married now, if I knew then to Assume Love, Expect Love, and Find Third Alternatives? If we had been able to stay close through those...
What’s reasonable to expect from a husband? Or a wife? I had an interesting discussion recently with two single women. I told them I believe one of the keys to a great marriage is to expect only love. Well, of course they both expect love. But only love? Shouldn’t we expect fairness? If one cooks, the other cleans up? Unless there are kids at home to care for, both work? If she does...
The easiest way to feel unloved is to expect the wrong things. You live in a time and place when you can marry for love. You don’t need a helpmeet to survive. You don’t need to bolster your family’s political position or status through marriage. You can choose to marry or not, and you can choose the person you marry.
So what should you expect when you marry for love? Love.
